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By Sherri

Let’s face it, marriage is tough. But what do we do when it becomes unbearable. What about when we don’t want to even wake up to face the next day? Or when we are no longer a valid piece of society? Often our marital relationships can bring us to a point of total social breakdown, not maybe medically, but personally – when we just can’t seem to accomplish anything, we are spinning around in our heads unable to do anything. What then?

Well, if there is an absence of abuse, to either yourself, and or your children, what I first want to say is: As Christians, IT IS AN NON NAGOTIONABLE MATTER! Now, in saying that, don’t lose hope, there is HOPE to be had!

Your issue may be complicated by one thing or a number of things. We’ve all heard of mid-life crisis, and yes it affects us all. Somewhere between round 35 and 50 years young, many of us start new jobs, become vegetarians and start fitness life-styles, other s become restless in their relationships and wonder if anyone else in this big world would “WANT” them other than their spouse. Many of us feel the need to have butterflies again, feel the urgency in our groins that we once felt but seldom feel now with our spouses.

The good news is “your normal” – the not so good news is it will take some work to get your marriage back in shape – and that needs to start NOW. Even if you feel there is no hope, even if you have fallen in love with someone else, even if you have already left your marriage emotionally or have nine out of out of ten toes already out the door – it is NOT too late!!

I know there are some of you that think, “no one can understand the situation I’m in..”, or “I no longer or never really was attracted to my spouse in the first place!”, or “…but this new man or women understands me, he or she is SO hot, it feels so right when I’m with him/her, I never had that before, I don’t want THIS to be all there is, etc.” Well you are still not alone! Whether you are a Christian or not, temptation is always lurking around the corner, unfortunately as Christians, the devil is dedicated to destroying your marriage, when he doesn’t bother as much with non-Christians , as they are doing a good enough job screwing their marriages up on their own.

Before you even consider the idea of leaving your spouse, sit down and make a list. NO, not the sappy list of all the good things you married him or her for, but rather a list of the things you would like him or her to change. Now these changes have to be obtainable, they can’t be “I want my spouse to be four inches taller”, or “I want him or her to be a brain surgeon” when they are presently a bartender. Instead, maybe your list will look more like this:

1. I would like my spouse to be 20 lbs lighter

2. I would like my spouse to dress more stylishly

3. I would like my spouse to get a new hair cut

4. I would like my spouse to be more outgoing

5. I would like my spouse to stop drinking so much

6. I would like my spouse to be more open with his/her feelings

7. I would like my spouse to plan more special times with me

8. I would like my spouse to be more experimental in the bedroom

9. I would like my spouse to take a greater interest in our kids

10. I would like my spouse to acquire a better paying or prestigious job

11. I would like my spouse to simply get a job

12. I would like my spouse to develop a more physical life style

13. I would like my spouse to be more sexy

14. I would like my spouse to share more of my interests

15. I would like my spouse to be more emotionally connected to me

16. I would like my spouse to be OK with me developing myself

17. I would like to be able to spend more time with friends outside me marriage

18. Etc.

These requests are reasonable! We all have desires that need to be met, and as long as they are biblically sound, and we feel loved in our relationship, they can be obtained.

I know, I know, but you married to a four foot tall hairy beast with no teeth. With a little Nair, a good Ortho, and a pair of elevator shoes you are on the road to a happier life than you are experiencing now. Really, there are few things that can’t be changed now-a-days; our marriages are worth the best efforts we can give them, right?

With the help of Pastors, prayer, Life Coaches, Personal Trainers, Anti-Depressants, and support groups, there is a lot of help out there for those of us who are willing to change and become more of what our spouse needs us to be. What is cool, as most of these changes affect us personally in a great way too, it is just hard to let our pride go, and find the love we need to submit ( in the real sense of the word), to our spouses.

“But I don’t want to lose myself for my spouse!”, and “Why should I change for him or her, he/she should love me like I am, he/she should love me like “Jesus loves the church”. Well, it would be great if our spouses could see us with the eyes of Jesus, in all our glory, regardless of our bellies hanging over our pants, all our bad habits, our inability to land a descent job, our lack of cleanliness, the overwhelming stench that has seemingly grown feet and walked from a corroding hockey bag to all corners of our 5000 square foot home. We are human we have needs but we still need to firstly put the Lord forefront in our lives and marriage, and secondly we need to put our spouses first and fill their reasonable desires even before our own.

So once you have completed your list, and you have allowed your spouse to compile their own list, you need to either together, or each of you on your own, or with the help of a respectable friend, find the possible solutions to these requests and get a move on. Maybe you can even turn some of the more easily obtainable requests like hairstyles and new wardrobes, into date day/nights?

One day I heard my pastor tell this story in church of this couple who had come to him who wanted a divorce; they said they just couldn’t move ahead with the marriage anymore. The pastor told them that they were to pray together for the next 7 nights without ceasing, and then come back to him if they still felt they wanted to divorce. Well the couple never came back and today they are still together and much more happily so. There are many things we can do to help our marriages, but ultimately God is the best healer of our marriage! The hard part is dropping the wheel and letting Him drive the course.