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“Christian Marital Aids”….say what?  Do today’s Christians need help in the bedroom?  Yes, we Christians do have the upper hand on a marital bond beyond our deepest desires, but can we rely solely on that?  We as Christians have a loving God who wants nothing more than for us as couples to share an intimacy so strong it can never be severed, so why is it that some of us couples have sexually unsatisfied marriages?  It’s time to jump out of our “hush-hush Christian box” and seek out the Christian ministries and companies the supply us the road map to great Christian sex.

I guess the question still remains, “what are Christian Marital Aids”?  The operative word of “aid” is “to help”, “to educate, to “give assistance”, (but this one is my favourite…) “to provide with what is useful or necessary in achieving an end.”  Woo-hoo!  For some of us, well that just puts it in a nutshell doesn’t it?  Now if we make that “assistance” in accordance with God’s word, that’s where the Christian part comes in - now we have “Christian Marital Aids.”

These Christian Marital Aids can come in a variety of forms.  They can be simply Q&A, a little lesson in anatomy, lessons on communication and marriage building, or they can be actual instruments that serve as a useful in achieving an end.  Whether that be as simple as lubrication, more intense stimulation, or even extensions.  Sometimes it may even be creating a contusive atmosphere, or a sense of sexiness.  What ever it may be, some of us need “aid” in finding it.  For some, finding “it” is the source of the problem - that is where some handing education renders useful and highly encouraged!

Let’s face it, as humans we are all very different from one another, add a gender gap and we are all confused and could use a little help.  We no longer live in a world where Christians need to live in sexual darkness.  There are safe places to get the facts and learn how to knock the socks of our spouse in the bedroom!

Christian Marital Aids are most successful when they are found or purchased from places or sites that do not cause us guilt.  The feelings of guilt or shame were given to us for a reason.  Make sure you only go to sites that are God honouring and teach within our Christian value system.  Good sex comes from love, trust and a good understanding of each other and how each other work, which does not come from guilt and shame, lust and pornography.

So, Christian Marital Aids, are all about Christians helping. and educating other Christians, so that they can make the most of their marital relationships - keeping marriages strong and less vulnerable to the worlds attacks.  Sounds good to me!

For more information regarding Marital Aids please refer to the other articles in this BLOG and http://www.mybelovedsgarden.net/MARITAL_AIDS_(Sex_Toys).html

Sherri

THE INSIDE SCOOP!

By Sherri

Men, listen up.  I am about to unlock some of the best kept secrets of your women.  This is the stuff they won’t tell you, but also the stuff they desperately want you to know:

WOMEN HATE TO PRIMP!

Part 1: THE TRUTH ABOUT SHOWERING:

Yes, I know “you think” your wife likes to take those lengthy luxurious showers, followed by sensuous strokes of painting nails, the perfected application and rinse of exfoliates, followed by the  strategic treatment of fruit fragrant lotions and creams.

This is a façade. Let’s face it, showers can be a real pain (literally) – although the excuse to not deal with the kids or answer the telephone, can be a bonus. Do you men have any idea how hard it is to shave one’s legs?

Yes, I know, you think it is a piece of cake. We have seen you delicately shaving your faces, carefully examining your face close up to the mirror. To put it into prospective, imagine not only shaving in the dark, without a mirror, but doing it on one leg often in a totally contorted position, with conditioner running into your eyes. Did you notice your precision was minimized?

I don’t know about all of you, but the lighting isn’t exacting pristine in my shower, nor are all the walls you sometimes need suddenly to rely upon - fixated. (I am referring to that thing called a door or in some cases a shower curtain.)

If you are lucky enough to have the shower curtain, you may recall, or be able to capture the essence of trying to shower while being attacked by a plastic curtain that has its heart set on becoming one with you.

Also, men have a much smaller circumference to consume control of, where women have a vast area to conquer, often within small time frames, not to mention small showers. There are special positions to assume both for creating a straight plain for tackledge, and another to avoid ones soapy lubrication from being washed away completely. This is very tricky to accomplish!

It doesn’t stop with legs as you may know, there are arm pits and other far more sensitive areas where accurate bearings are essential. None of these areas can be viewed clearly which has to do with not only lighting, but other bubbling body parts, lack of flexibility, and a deficit of an extra set of eyes.

Men if you think getting a nick is bad on your face, you should try one under your arm (where one applies deodorant), or where the rubber meets the road (referring to under the elastic on our undergarments!)

During this shower time, a women does not only achieve physical harmony with your physical body, she also has an out of body experience. This is generally the only time she has interrupted, so she makes the most of it. She plans the days meals, goes over her calendar of errands or appointments for the day, she goes over the dialog she will soon assume with her husband regarding the difference between the sink and the dishwasher, along with the verbiage to her boss regarding her next promotion. She will punish herself for that bag of chips and chocolate bar she just consumed, and praise herself for remembering to place a new clean towel beside the shower, bringing a new into the shower with her that day, and replacing the toilet paper roll (since kids her bladder can only hold out for so long and unlike her husband, she prefers to relieve herself in the actual toilet.)

Most of us women have gotten this whole shower scene down to the minute the shower’s hot water is spent, a gravity defying - award winning accomplishment in my eyes. Unfortunately no male in the household seems to share this achievement or want to jump in to our celebration.

Once the loofa has been properly executed and all conditioners, and exfoliates rinsed off, her days counselling session completed, and the shower sufficiently squeegeed down, she usually exits the shower exhausted, quite unlike our refreshed male counterpart. This may account for the lifted eyebrow response from your wife when you ask her if she enjoyed her shower.

Stay tuned for Part 2

All About YOU: The Ultimate Mood Booster?

Great sex — if it is within a mutually monogamous relationship — may be one of the ultimate mood boosters.
In fact, semen contains powerful — and potentially addictive — mood-altering chemicals, including testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone, and prostaglandins. So although sex won’t cure depression, it may boost mood if some of these chemicals are absorbed through the walls of the vagina. Still, sex is only a mood booster if . . .

Sex is only a mood booster if it’s safe, mutually monogamous sex. Although women who do not use condoms during sex are less depressed, according to research, that doesn’t mean they should practice unsafe sex. Studies have found no correlation between high-risk sexual behavior and lower rates of depression.
And good sex isn’t the only recipe for happy days and contented nights. Feel free to explore other options, like volunteering, exercising regularly, spending time with good friends, laughing with loved ones, writing in a journal, and otherwise engaging in activities that you find fulfilling. Taking good care of your health can also make you happy. After all, nothing can put a smile on your face like a good report from your doctor.

http://www.realage.com/news_features/tip.aspx?v=1&cid=17787

Myth: Sex toys are kinky:

Fact: Define “kinky”? The Encarta dictionary defines “kinky” as: “being or engaging in unusual sexual practices that may be considered deviant.” Well if the Bible clearly says that, “The marriage bed is undefiled”, any sexual activity (with the exception of homosexuality, bestiality, and saddamy), certainly isn’t “deviant” among monogamous willing couples who partake in these practices. Oh, and “unusual” couldn’t be farther from the truth, as a staggering 10% of the US population alone, use sex toys on a fairly regular basis (30% of those being purchased by women). In other older countries, it is as high as 63%. (A more difficult number to cultivate I’m sure). So much greater is the percentage of sexually dissatisfied couples, and the divorce rate percentage which just keeps on rising. Let’s face it, sex toys in a loving monogamous relationship, is definitely worth a shot, if it does nothing else but improve the levels of communication in ones marriage, it has served a great purpose.

Myth: Can damage be caused to your body by Sex toys:

Fact: Surely those on the “Sex Toys are Bad” committee has come up with this one and a variety of other arguments in their quest to support that statement. They have said that sex toys “can ruin you for sex with your spouse”, that “they are addictive”, and that the practice is just down right “weird”. There is no evidence whatsoever that sex toys can physically harm, or damage your sexual sensitivity or any part of your personal parts, but moderation (as spoken of earlier) plays a roll just like in anything else. There is a better chance that the use of sex toys will help one discover where these sensitive parts are? Sexual discovery in a marriage is huge. Mix discovery with “Communication” and you have a powerful combination. However, if you are pregnant, or have suffered a miscarriage or are prone to any other medical condition of these regions you should always first consult with your doctor.

Myth: Don’t sex toys make sex un-natural?

Fact: Unfortunately most people are raised with many misconceptions about sex growing up, especially Christians. They believe that “natural sex” computes to “missionary position sex”, which couldn’t be farther than the truth. If one reads the Songs of Solomon, they can see for themselves that God intended us to you use our imaginations to pleasure one another, make if fun, be adventurous and most of all “mix it up”, so it is always great, day after day, year after year. A sex toy does not work by itself, it requires an artist to manipulate the tool, with the use of his or her imagination, so that makes the toy only as great as the spouse manipulating it.

Myth: Are there bad sex toys and good sex toys?

Fact: I’m sure there are some poorly constructed toys out there; however, to the most part, it comes down to sex and personal opinion. A great toy to one person may be completely uneventful to the next. We all have different desires, are turned on by different sensations, and enjoy different speeds and intensities. Even the look or scent of a toy plays a factor for many. The trick is to experiment and find just the right toy or toys for you as a couple. This takes some time, lots of communication, trial and error and lots and lots of laughter!

Myth: The more you pay for a sex toy, the better it is:

Fact: A six dollar vibrator in some given situations may give you more pleasure than a $300 vibrator. However, in most cases, you get what you paid for. More expensive sex toys usually last longer, they are often made of better materials, and may come from smaller, more ethically run companies, but they are no product is guaranteed to make you feel better or give you more pleasure. Sex toys are like most other commercial products (with an exception of designer named items) if you want it to last, pay a little more. Bottom line is, sex toys are mere objects that need to run by pure experts. Communication is the best investment you will ever make!! “A great sex toy + an actively learning spouse does great sex make!”

The Facts:

Myth: The use of sex toys are only for couples who have no sex life, or a bad one at that.

Fact: There isn’t a “kind” of person who uses or does not use sex toys, its users crosses all boundaries. Leading research has proven that it is “people” that are already having sex are using toys and not the contrary; and, they use them more then those who are not actively having sex. 20-30% of people have used a sex toy at least once in their life.

Myth: Sex toys are addictive:

Fact: To say one is addicted usually means that something is harmful and that is not the case, not if these toys are properly used. Dependency on the other hand can be a pitfall with overuse, and one can become lazy - depending on such toys to do the work for them. However with addiction, there is also withdrawal which is not a side affect with sex toy use on any level, one can easily get back on track with their husband or wife in no time. In most cases, those who believe in sex toy addiction are those who do not believe in sex toys at all.

Myth: If a women has a sex toy, will she still want or need sex with her husband?

Fact: Sex toys of any kind are not replacements for our spouses. They do not go on walks with you hand in hand, remark on sunsets, listen to you about your bad day at work, bring you coffee in the morning, cuddle, or best of all say “I love you”. The problem we face here is that most men are brought up with the idea that what they bring to the table (or possibly the bed in this matter), in regards to sex is VERY important. They have put great emphasis on their male anatomy and as a result are insecure about their importance in the bedroom. Your wife will always prefer you if you don’t rush her, force her into positions she feels uncomfortable with, or expect sex in places or at times that are not conducive as “sex-friendly” zones or time zones. Remember, knowledge of how your wife’s body works is ‘key’, we never stop learning, you know, and nothing can beat not knowing what’s coming next – try getting that from a vibrator!

To be Continued…

So we have spoken about how great sex toys can be for a marriage, but now let’s talk about when sex toys shouldn’t be used.

Just like most things in life, moderation and good sense are always good practices.   For instance, if sex toys are used every time you and your spouse begin an intimate encounter (unless when needed for medical purposes), then it is time to step back and make sure your sex toys are not replacing your spouse.  After all, sex toys are to be enhancements, not replacements, although there are temporary situations and medical situations when these types of “replacements” are necessary; like for instance:

1. Post cancer radiation/ chemo therapy patience that have experienced severe dryness, swelling, etc.

2.  Penile Dysfunction

3.  Extreme Stress which interferes with the marriage bed (if combined with psychological helps too)

4.  Pregnancy - We are talking (with doctor’s permission only) clitoral stimulation as dildos (used both vaginally or anally, can cause premature births and many other medical conditions related with pregnancy.

5.   STD’s  -  Sex Toys can be a safe way to continue an intimate relationship with ones spouse when there are issues with STD’s., etc.

Masturbation is probably one of the areas that causes the most negative related issues when it come to Sex Toys.  It is of our belief that sex toys should not be used alone and without ones spouse as this breeds sexual problems of many kinds including sexual addictions, and even pornography dependencies. 

It can be fun however, in the presence of our spouse and with their consent, to use sex toys in the arena of masturbation.  This is a delicate balance however; as many women feel uncomfortable performing in front of their spouse without their participation regardless of the fact that most men agree that they love to watch their wives participate in this manner. 

On the other hand, many women (but not all women)  feel excluded while watching their husbands masturbate in front of them, and can be left with the illusion that their husbands would choose a device over them, thus causing hurt feelings and breaking down intimacy - the very thing we are trying to build up.  (These feeling can also occur from the husband watching his wife). This is why it is so VERY important to have open dialogue with your spouse when it comes to masturbation -  choose your sex toys together and agree about the ways in which you may want to use them.  Don’t just leave it there - check in with one another and honestly discuss if this is a love enhancing activity or if it causes hurt and distance.

Like many things, there are also exceptions to the masturbation rule.  In the cases where spouses are separated do to work situations, sex toys and a telephone or internet service can be a great way to keep the sexual communication open and also keep your spouse satisfied and less likely to be swayed by temptation.  This is especially important in military homes (I know some of you are saluting this BLOG as I speak! )  Regardless, using sex toys in this way should not be secretive or used without the other spouse’s knowledge and this can create distrust in a relationship.

There is a danger of using sex toys that are designed after actual people.  Not only does this open our selves to unhealthy images, but it supports some of the largest industries of pornography around.  We at My Beloved’s Garden do not sell these endorsed items and encourage others not to purchase them!

Sex toys that are being inserted into ones body should always be covered with a condom for several reasons:

  Some toys are porous which means they can hold onto to bacteria.  It is very important to keep your toys clean and not store them in air tight containers but rather put them into a fabric bag or cotton pillow case once cleaned and thoroughly dried. 

Many sex toys are made with PVC, and although nothing has been conclusive of whether or not they are a potential danger, we should still take caution.  A rule of thumb though; always throws out your toy when signs of deteriation or wear and tear is present.

There is however the worry free toy, the glass phallus.  These toys are not only beautifully designed, smooth, non porous, and easily cleaned, but they can be heated or cooled for your pleasure.  This truly is a safe remarkable toy. 

So get out there and communicate with one another, have fun choosing out your new toy together, remember moderation and cleanliness, and most of all hold each other in high esteem as you have the time of your life playing, sharing  and exploring the wonderful “Christian” world of SEX!

There is most definitely a proper and improper use of sex toys, and the usage parameters I believe are even more compounded in the “Christian” zone.

There are several areas in which marital aids may be used within the compound of marriage. Those are:

1. Sex Toys Awaken Sexual Awareness There’s no disputing that orgasms feel good. Sex toys help you have better, stronger, longer orgasms, or just plain have an orgasm at all. They are in fact a “learning tool”. They are also a guarantee that each participant within the marriage will want to come back for more. Hence abolishing the “I have a headache”, scenario. After all, how many of you men out there would be into bi-weekly intimate interludes if you knew it would never lead to climax? Ahhh…I’m guessing – none of you. So why would husband’s expect their wives to and even more surprising, why would wives want to. Yes, there is always the “I want to please my husband” component, but that should coincide with I want to please my wife initiative. There is a simple solution to this problem, you can both be satisfied!

2. Sex Toys are Fun. What marriage couldn’t use more fun to mix up their everyday grind. Most couples get bored with their sex lives at some point in their relationships. Sex toys add a bit pizzazz to the relationship and keep the fires burning. Using a sex toy together can bring you closer; sharing new experiences together can be very intimate and the conversations they stir up can also have a positive affect on sexual communication, which is extremely important to be the best lover you can be to your spouse.

3. Sex Toys Can Make Sex Better…and who doesn’t want better sex. Let’s face it, we can always be better than what we are at pleasing our spouse sexually. So guess what, you never need to stop trying! Women, to the most part, have difficulty achieving orgasms unless they receive clitoral stimulation (most of those who say they can, are simply just not telling the truth.) which can be difficult to manage during intercourse alone. Also, many men have trouble sustaining their erections as long as they would like or need to satisfy their wife in this way. Sex toys can help in both of those situations. They can also enhance a perfectly good lovemaking session, adding just enough “oomph” to turn a great experience into an outstanding one. For those of you that are reaching leaps and bounds in your sex lives without the needs of any marital aids, GOOD FOR YOU. You may consider though filling the rest of us in on this BLOG. (:

So, now that you have been given three of the main reasons Marital Aids (Sex Toys) are used within the realms of a Christian marriage, stay tuned to find out…

…WHEN WE SHOULDN’T USE SEX TOYS!

My Beloved’s Garden

 

TRY THESE HELPFUL SITES AND INSPIRING BOOK SUGGESTIONS:

http://www.awomanshealingjourney.com/helpfulart/newresourcesforpartners.htm
http://www.supportworks.org/cat785.htm
http://www.exodus.to/content/view/268/53/
http://wsr.byu.edu/Issues__Pornography__What_To_Do_If_A_Loved_One_Is_Addicted_To_Pornography.htm
http://www.pureonline.com/video-news01-11-06.aspx
http://www.lakeweb1.com/mrp/LinksSexualAddiction.htm

Books on Sexual Addiction
Addicted to Love
By Stephen Arterburn
Servant
An Affair of the Mind
By Laurie Hall
Focus on the Family Publishing
Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of Jesus
By Bob Davies and Russell Willingham
InterVarsity
Caught in the Net: How to Recognize the Signs of Internet Addiction
By Kimberly S. Young
John Wiley & Sons
Contrary to Love
By Patrick Carnes
CompCare Publishing
Crisis in Masculinity (Homosexuality)
By Leanne Payne
Don’t Call it Love
By Patrick Carnes
Bantam Books
The Drug of the New Millennium: The Science of How Internet Pornography Radically Alters the Human Brain and Body
By Mark Kastleman
Granite Publishing and Distribution, LLC
Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time
By Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker
Waterbrook Press
Every Young Man’s Battle: Strategies for Victory in the Real World of Sexual Temptation
By Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey
WaterBrook Press
Every Woman’s Battle
By Shannon Ethridge
WaterBrook
Facing Love Addiction
By Pia Melody
Harper
Facing the Shadow: Starting Sexual and Relationship Recovery
By Patrick Carnes
Gentle Path Press
Faithful and True: Sexual Integrity in a Fallen World
By Mark Laaser
Zondervan
Faithful and True Workbook
By Mark Laaser
Lifeway Press
Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction
By Dr. Mark Laaser
Zondervan
Illusions of Intimacy: Unmasking Patterns of Sexual Addiction and Bringing Deep Healing to Those Who Struggle
By Signa Bodishbaugh
Sovereign World
Lonely All the Time
By Ralph Earle & Gregory Crow
Pocket Books
Men’s Secret Wars
By Patrick Means
Fleming H. Revell
No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Shame
By Marnie Ferree
Xulon
Out of the Depths of Sexual Sin:
The Story of My Life and Ministry
By Steve Gallagher
Pure Life Ministries
Out of the Shadows
Patrick Carnes
CompCare Publishers
Pornography Trap
By Ralph Earle & Mark Laaser
Beacon Hill Press
Sexual Addiction: The Way Out of the Web (mini-book)
To order, call Hope For the Heart at 972-239-9999
Sexual Anorexia
By Patrick Carnes
Hazelden
The Skinner Box Effect: Sexual Addiction and Online Pornography
By T.M. Grundner
Writers Club Press
Books on Coaddiction/Codependency
Back From Betrayal
By Jennifer Schneider
Recovery Resources Press
Beyond Codependency
By Melody Beattie
Harper/Hazelden
Boundaries and Relationships
By Charles L. Whitfield
Deerfield Beach
Codependant No More
By Melody Beattie
Harper/Hazelden
Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars
By Marsha Means
Revell
Love is a Choice
By Robert Hemfelt
Thomas Nelson Publishing
Partner’s Healing Journey Workbook
By Marsha Means
Prodigals International
Partner’s Recovery Guide
By Douglas Weiss Order from Heart to Heart Counseling Centers P.O. Box 51055
Colorado Springs, CO 80949
Voice: 719-278-3708
Women Who Love Too Much
By Robin Norwood
Pocket Books

HOW TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD

KNOW: God loves you not for what you do, but for who you are. He has a wonderful purpose for your life. He seeks to love and lead you now and for eternity.

(Refer to: John 3:16)

“This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in Him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of sending his So merely to pint an accusing finger, telling the world how bad it was. He came He came to help, to put the world right again. Anyone who trusts in him is acquitted; anyone who refuses to trust him has long since been under the death sentence without knowing it. And shy? Because of that person’s failure to believe in the one–of-a-kind Son of God when introduced to him.”

ADMIT: Believe that you can’t run your own life consistently in a positive way. Admit to God that you make mistakes, that you sin, and you need God in control of your life otherwise your life leads to death, figurative, and literal death.

(Refer to: Romans 3:23 and 6:23)

“Since we’ve compiled this long and sorry record as sinners (both us and them) and proved that we are utterly incapable of living the glorious lives God wills for us, God did it for us. Out of sheer generosity he put us in right standing with himself. A pure gift. He got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where he always wanted us to be. And he did it by means of Jesus Christ.”

“A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God’s gift is real life, eternal life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.”

UNDERSTAND: Jesus Christ, the son of God, is the only means to bring you into a full relationship with God. He is death is the necessary payment to cover the cost of your mistakes (the Admit part above) because of His love for you (the Know part above).

(Refer to: Romans 5:8)

“We can understand how someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.”

DECLARE: Talk to God right now. Sincerely seek forgiveness for your sins. Tell God you’re sorry. Ask Christ to be the savior of your past. Then ask Christ to be the Lord of your present and your future.

(Refer to: 1 John 1:8 and Romans 10:9)

“If we claim that we’re free of sin, we’re only fooling ourselves. A claim like that is errant nonsense. On the other hand, if we admit our sins – make a clean breast of them – he won’t let us down; he’ll be true to himself. He’ll forgive our sins and urge us of all wrongdoing. If we claim that we’ve never sinned, we out-and-out contradict God – make a liar out of him. A claim like that only shows off our ignorance of God.”

“You are not ‘doing’ anything; you’re simply calling out to God, trusting him to do it for you. That’s salvation. With your whole being you embrace God setting things right, and then you say it, right out loud: ‘God has set everything right between him and me!”

CELEBRATE: Believe you stand as a new person in the eyes of God. The old sin and shame is gone and the new purity and purpose is here. Now, walk with God daily and learn what it means to cultivate a love relationship with Jesus Christ, your Savior, our Lord, and your friend.

(Refer to: Matthew 22:37-38, John 10:10 and 15:11)

“Jesus said, ‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set along side it: ‘Love others as well as you love yourself.’”

“I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.”

“I’ve told you these things for a purpose: that my joy might be your joy, and your joy wholly mature. This is my commandment: Love one another the way I loved you.

COMMUNICATE: Tell someone about your dedication to find new life with God in charge. Seek a committed believer to help you grow as a Christian (the Celebrate part above). Locate a Christ-centered church to join and seek out a Bible study to help you learn God’s Word.

(Refer to: Matthew 10:32-33

“Stand up for me against world opinion and I’ll stand up for you before my Father in heaven. If you turn tai and run, do you think I’ll cover for you?”

(Adapted from Friends for Life by Bob and Yvonne Turnbull)